Okay so it’s another remake, and an obvious attempt to make a tent pole franchise. Still this film feels like the Will Smith film Wild Wild West, a concept filled with action and campyness. So off balance that not even actors trying their best can save this sinking ship… Or crashing flying ship may be a more appropriate here. The plot is pretty much what we’ve seen before in Three Musketeer films, D’Artagnan(Logan Lerman) journeys to Paris, trying to prove himself to his father by becoming a musketeer. Yet he’s angry and filled with angst, for no reason at all, once he shows up to the city he basically starts fight with everyone he can find. Which includes famous Musketeers, Athos, Aramis and Porthos. Who recently have been betrayed by Milady(Milla Jovovich) working along with the power hungry Cardinal(Christophe Waltz) and the Duke of Buckingham(Orlando Bloom) who plots a war between France and Britain using giant flying ships.

This films major flaw is that literally no character gets any depth. The film is called Three Musketeers but yet the three of them barely get any screen time. The film has so many villains and takes so long to extend it’s pointless plot that we get no time with the leads. What really pisses me off about this is that the actors are good here. I liked the Musketeers and I wished they you know were seen on screen. It’s obvious this was a vehicle designed for Lerman, who is fine here but it just seems odd. The film is just obviously obsessed with the flying ships, which in the end, have nothing to do really with the plot. So much money was thrown at the screen but nothing was spent on the script. Lerman’s character has a major issue with a villain… What might it be? Did he kill his father? Kidnap a loved one(That does happen later in the film)? No, he insults D’Artagnan’s horse… I mean this movie just did not seem to understand how to build on anything. Things just happen. Most of the fight scenes at the beginning have no point.

The plot is not hard to screw up, yet they easily do it here. The Musketeers are an after thought. It should have been called: “D’Artagnan and the flying ships”. The one thing I have to compliment the movie on is the fight scenes. The sword fighting is really fun here. No choppy camera work, no shaky cam, the slow-mo in places is silly but actually helps pace some of the fights. Also the actors all really try. Jovovich and Bloom are really fun to watch. They both obviously had a lot of fun playing villains and they don’t hold back. Waltz basically walked his way through to a pay check since his Cardinal doesn’t do much besides sit behind tables and give orders. Still it was hard not to root for the actors as this disaster.

The film is a mess and an obvious attempt to dumb down the Three Musketeers. Too much “comedy” elements that fall flat. Too many times the dialogue is just too modern. Even though the limited amount of sword fights we get are well filmed and planned out, there simply are not enough of them. Besides one large battle the Musketeers mainly blow things up and shoot people, it’s dumb. They also really put all their eggs in one basket that really gives a middle finger to the audience, the film doesn’t wrap anything up. The final battle is over diamonds and two air ships battling. The massive battle is set up and then… Credits. I hate when movies assume a sequel is coming. It’s probably not, so this film simply hates its own audience. It’s a shame because the actors are great and the fights were fun, but everything else is just so bad it’s hard to watch in the end. I did not see this film in 3D… I’m happy about that decision because it doesn’t look like it would have been worth it.

Rating: 2/10

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